Upload Your F@#t!

What is this about?

Do you burst into hysterics when someone lets one pop? Do you like to gross your girlfriend out with a ripper? Perhaps you like to tell jokes about the cracker you let loose at work last week? Whatever your thing, you’re here right now because you love to hear one rip! If you are in your element telling a fart joke, then Upload Your Fart is the place for you. It’s a pity we don’t yet have access to smell uploads, but we hear that it’s in the works, so stay tuned!

At Upload Your Fart you can upload both video and audio files of you or your mates breaking wind. Upload your personal favorites or watch videos from all around the world. When they said that body language was a universal language, they sure weren’t wrong! You can even share your videos and audio files on Facebook and Instagram, or make your own playlist for a hilariously long hour of farting bonanza!

We can’t wait to hear your big fat fart… so come on now, eat up those beans, and set your phone on record! Show us how creative you can be!

How does it work?

When you know you’ve eaten one burrito too many, or you are just in one of those gas attack modes, grab your phone and set it up to capture your next masterpiece.

First of all, decide if it’s going to be an audio file or a video. If you’re going to record an audio file, then make sure you have the phone close enough to your butt cheeks so that we can grab the whole magnitude of your stink bomb! It doesn’t matter if it’s a squeaky one, a long deep drill or the soft sound of deadly vapor, all farts are equal, and all farts have the right to a fair trial, here at Upload Your Fart.

If you are going to shoot a video, make sure that the visuals are clear, as well as the sound. We know this can be hard when you are recording on a smart phone and you don’t have a directional microphone, so think about it this way. Is the sound more impressive, or the farting stance you are in? If the visuals are not as impressive as the audio, then perhaps think about just recording an audio file. However if both compliment each other like meat and potatoes, then perhaps record the fart with your phone, and the visuals with your friend’s phone, and then edit the sound into the video later.

If you have a camera and a separate microphone, then this is the best scenario as you’ll be able to catch the sweet sound and popping visuals perfectly… or should that be popping sound and sweet visuals??

When you have finished your mating call, make sure to upload it directly from your phone to Upload Your Fart via our website or app. If you need to add some editing to it, like perhaps adding your fart sound to a video, or perhaps adding some text to a video, then by all means do so! Then when you’re ready upload via our website on the Uploads page.

InstaFART!

That’s right fart connaisseurs, we are also on Instagram for all your farting needs!

Questions you might be asking yourself… ‘What can I post on Instagram?’ or ‘How should I post or hashtag my pictures?’

For all you Fart-o-holics out there, all your fart-o-licious dreams can come true on Instagram despite there being no sound. You can share your videos and photos on Instagram, and for those brilliant bottom blasts, that’s what Upload Your Fart is for. On Instagram you can share such things as recipes for success (i.e. My success story: I just ate curly cheese fries and 3 bean burritos) or you can share your best tips and poses for blasting your bum to fartastis success!

When you upload to Instagram, be sure to hashtag #uploadyourfart as once a week we will be choosing the best F-bomb to win a prize, and each day we will feature a different wind blasting devil out there, to feature in our Instagram gallery.

The History of Farts

Ok, so none of us want a boring classroom lecture on “The History and Biology of Farts” but a few little funny or interesting facts about them might make for some great conversation next time you’re kickin’ back with your boys (or girls).

Where does the word fart come from? Who decided on this word? It’s such a weird word, right?

Ok, so while a real fart lasts only a second (or with some whoppers a few seconds) the actual history of the word fart has lasted a whopping (no pun intended) 800 years! It comes from the German words farten, ferten or ferzen… literally meaning, to break wind. Oh how descriptive! This word has even been used in old German and Icelandic myths… like in one myth the great god Thor was hiding from a giant, so scared out of his wits that he dare not sneeze or fart or else he’d be found. Well ain’t that true! People always worry about coughing or sneezing, but hell, what about farting! Some farts are way more likely to wake up a giant that a tiny little sneeze.

On another note… the word Vater in German is pronounced Farter. This word means Father. I always used to crack up in German class, “does that mean that German kids call their fathers, farters!?”

Farts have been found all throughout history, it’s not taught in class by Mrs Ramsay, or in university by Professor Middleton, but the truth is, farts are everywhere in history and literature. I won’t bore you with any of that snooze-worthy talk, but there are a few quotes you can look up, from a literary genius that we have all heard of before, Shakespeare! Yes, even Shakespeare was in on it, most likely even he cracked up at a good cheek flapper. In Othello for example, the Clown compares a wind instrument to a set of butt cheeks, and refers to a fart as being the music. Or in Two Gentleman from Verona Proteus gives his crush the gift of a dog, but when the dog farts and is going to be whipped, one of the servants takes credit for the fart instead.

As you can see, farts are everywhere, always have been, and always will be! Fart on!

 

The Biology of Farts

So what is a fart made of? Ok, ok…. I won’t bore you with all the biology schmiology crap you probably already know. But here are a few interesting little facts you might like to know:

The longer a fart is held in, the larger the nitrogen build up. In the time you spent squeezing your butt cheeks together to prevent the impending doom of a failed date with Cindy… well in that time, the other gases were absorbed into the body, which is a good thing, but the nervous swallowing (see next paragraph) is the bad news.

If you are nervous, like on a date or a job interview, you are likely not helping your own cause. Nervous people tend to swallow more, meaning that they will swallow a lot of air… and air must go somewhere!

If your parents are real gas blowers, bad luck buddy, chances are you will be too! It’s in the genes apparently.

Apparently 2/3 of humans don’t produce methane in their farts, again if your parents do… you will too! Sorry buddy!

On another note, if you swallow less air, and chew your food more, you will fart less. Basically your body will have time to digest the food and chemicals in the food, as well as the air you have swallowed.

It’s a little but potent chemical that makes your farts reek! It’s called hydrogen sulphide gas. The more sulphur-rich foods you eat, like eggs, meat and cauliflower, the more you will cause havoc with you f-bombs! No matter how tight you squeeze those cheeks, that sulphur will get through one way or another.

Also LET IT BE KNOWN! It’s the eggs, meat and cauliflower that cause the stench, not the beans. Apparently beans cause a lot of cyclonic action, but smell free! 🙂

There is a 12-20 second delay before your smelly fart reaches someone’s nose. Luckily they don’t travel at the speed of light, and we can sometimes find a way to evacuate.

Now for the noise factor, where does that come from? These are vibrations in your butt hole. That’s right, and it all depends not the speed and velocity that your fart is traveling at, along with how tight or loose your butt cheeks are at the time of the explosion. Some people think that the noise comes from your butt cheeks flapping together, but this would not be true!

How much gas does the average person pass on an average day? This all depends on how much and how fast you eat, how much you chew, and what kind of food you eat. A numerical count can be attempted, so distinguish how much you fart from one day to the next, depending on what you are pigging out on. That’s right folks, it doesn’t matter if you are Queen Elizabeth, Justin Bieber, Iggy Azalea or Charlotte your 10th grade crush. We all do it! Sometimes we even all do it, a lot!

 

The Polite Fart

Apparently the act of farting or the word fart is not ok and is most definitely not politically correct or funny! However when one uses the word “flatulence” it’s a whole other ballpark.

For example if I said: “Yesterday I had some flatulence after we ate at the Mexican restaurant” this would somehow not be perceived as funny, but rather as a serious problem to be addressed.

Then if we flip the coin and I said the same thing using the word FART how does it sound? “Yesterday I had some crazy fart action going on after we left Chipotle’s” Somehow the reaction would not be the same, right?

Next time you are trying to offend or not offend, laugh or not laugh, tease or not tease, just remember…

FART or FLATULENCE that is the question!

 

Are you the accused farter?!

When the contestant on The Bachelorette in New Zealand let one rip on her first date, it made world headlines! Why is that? Because it’s freakin’ hilarious! Farts are funny. I don’t care what anyone says, but farts are funny!!

The plot: Girl competes with others to win the heart of a rich, tall, handsome, intelligent beau.

The setting: A romantic picnic in the beautiful technicolor green hills of the Lord of the Rings’ countryside.

The moment: Contestant looks at the scenery around her and states, “this is so magical!” THEN she lets one rip!

The reaction: She laughs it off as best she can. As we all know, a lady never farts!

You could not have found a better introduction to a fart OR a first date on (inter)national television.

With this is mind, comes the subject of the farter or the fartee. Are you the accuser or the accusee? When you are at work or on a date (like above) the worst thing you can imagine happening is letting one rip! There you are trying to be all “perfect and professional” or “perfect and beautiful” and then suddenly your bum lets you down and shows you up, as heaven forbid…. A HUMAN!!!

Generally, when you let off a non-silent fart, there is no covering it up, you just have to deal. Or maybe pretend that it was a squeaky cushion or chair, if you have the luxury of such a viable excuse. However when it is a silent but violent fart, this is where the accusations can begin, and this is where people start seeking legal defence, that’s how traumatic it can be!

Well, not to fear…. legal defence is here! The age old answer being: “whoever smelt it, dealt it”. It’s a great one, one which keeps accusers’ mouths from flapping and more fingers from pointing.

 

Some cool farting accessories you might wanna check out!

Ok, this is serious business people! This is the official best selling FART-FILTERING underwear on the market today! That’s right, it will filter your farts, so when you are at work or on that first date with your big crush, you won’t let drop an atomic disaster. Guess who the biggest buyer of the fart-filtering wonder pants are? That’s right, Americans, and in second place come the British. But don’t let your knickers get twisted in a knot, it prevents the smell, but they have not yet developed a sound buster!

What’s so spesh about this underwear? They are made with an odor neutralizing cloth in the rear panel. What’s so great about this mighty panel you might ask? It can squash a whopping 200 times the average strength of a fart smell! Now that’s a miracle on the farting richter scale!!

How much you say? Forty smackaroos for one pair. Totally worth it if for those “special” outings!

 

A lady never farts!

There are two things a lady never does. A lady never tells her age, and a lady never farts. These facts have held true all throughout time, ask any lady! If there happens to be an ever-so-mysterious and unidentified sound coming from a lady, we can all agree that yes, at times, very occasionally, a lady may whisper ever so softly. However, let it be known that when a lady whispers, it is nothing at all to do with a fart, it is merely a little air, just like a breath of fresh air.

A smell? Did you say you could smell something? Well, if it is an unpleasant smell, it most certainly does not come from a lady, it either comes from a man, some rotten food, or a dead animal. If it is the sweet smell of a rose, then you can be certain it is coming from a lady.

It’s true, a lady never farts!

 

Relationship Farting

The one thing which frustrates men in a relationship, is the farting issue.

The one thing which frustrates women in a relationship, is the farting issue.

I think it’s safe to say, we all have an issue, with the farting issue.

When Harry first meets Sally, each party is on their best behaviour. Each party has great manners, great listening skills, laughs at all the good and bad jokes, holds doors open, chews with mouths shut, looks in your eyes and not at their meal, basically each party is showing their best selves, such perfect selves that they are almost NOT human. Enter FART issue.

Once the two love birds are more comfortable, perhaps during the honeymoon period for some, and for others after the honeymoon period, this is when all the true colors come out, and when some people decide to let it all hang out!

As women are ladies, they will never let their human-ness ever take over completely. Men on the other hand, once they feel comfortable, they like the thought of spending an hour or more on the loo reading a magazine. They like being able to let free whatever gases might be rummaging around in their bodies, and feel closer to their loved one, knowing they can be so relaxed to do so. Ladies on the other hand, feel that if they behave in the same way, this will take their sex appeal and attractiveness down a couple of notches. As a result, ladies will go to absolute extremes to dispel any myths or false rumors that they once farted EVER in their lives, and will go to even greater lengths to leave a room if need be. They will cover up any sounds or smells with coughs, perfumes, noisy blenders, blaming it on the dog… and many other imaginative excuses!

The biggest issue men have with the farting issue? “We just want to be ourselves, let it out if it wants to come out. Why hold it in and get a sore stomach, when we can just let it out.”

The biggest issue women have with the farting issue? “Sure, we want you to be yourself, but we still want your sex appeal and attractiveness to stay the same on the score card. Not to mention, if you thought it not appropriate to let one of your famous whoppers off on our first dates, what suddenly makes it suitable now? You do realize that maybe you should not be THAT comfortable, right? We women can get turned off a man farting, as much as a man can be turned off a women farting. After all, farting might be funny, but it’s not a sexy smell or a sexy sound like that, that will make me want to jump your bones!”

The difference between a respectful fart and a rude fart:

If it’s just air, fine.

If it pops out without warning, fine.

But if you let it all hang out, it’s plain disrespectful.

Written for UploadYourFart.com

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